Driving home this evening, I asked myself why a good kick in the bum from a total stranger in a book I voraciously consumed over the past two days, despite his abusive and rude comments would have a better effect than a friend saying the same things in a less abusive manner. Why does the truth about my need to change in certain areas glow neon green after hearing it this time from a strange author who I have no personal affiliation with? The book, by the way, is People are Idiots and I can Prove it by Larry Winget.
This is how I answered the question for myself. Tell me if you agree. Many well meaning friends and mentors lack an important relational tool called “finesse.” They’ve got the hard knock truth and the tough-love advice tools well oiled and ready for the task at hand. The trouble is, without a bit of finesse to ease up the pressure from the hard-knock advice and tough-love tools, their work is just not as effective….or maybe the result of their good intentioned effort, has become a total disaster.
I get a lot of the tough-love and hard-knock advice adjustments made on me these days. I finally realized there must be a reason for it, but despite my best effort to give the heavy-handed ”tool users” the benefit of the doubt and to remember that they must be saying and doing this or that because they care, otherwise they wouldn’t bother to hurt me, the message still didn’t get through. My relationships, and my esteem, have suffered. Worse than that, I couldn’t see what it was they were seeing in me that needed my attention to change. So it all seemed like wasted labor.
When a complete stranger, who is genuine and authentic in his delivery of hard-knock truths, says that my life is in a mess cause I want it to be. That I am fat because I want to be. That I am broke because I want to be. Even though he lacks finesse, there are no relational expectations to muddy up the truth of the message that I need to change and it is my own responsibility to do so. I may think he’s rude, but I also can see his point. This is true of everyone, not just me. I’m not the only one that has areas in need of change or growth. But the cool thing about this book is that I am reminded that the only person’s issues that are of my concern are my own!
No, that doesn’t mean that I would not speak to a friend with hard-knock truth or tough love if I was aware that they needed a good solid kick in the bum. What it means is that I’m adding this handy-dandy tool called “finesse” to my relational tool box. I know from my own personal experience that if a person is not a complete stranger, considered an expert in his/her field and authentic in their desire to help people–even complete strangers–there is no way that hard-knock advice and tough-love alone are going to be effective. It is a good friends responsibility to tell their loved ones (friends and family) how it is, within reason. Don’t sugar coat it or minimize it. Just be sure what you are wanting them to change is really for their benefit and personal growth and not for your own convenience or your own preference. And be mindful not to hound or drill the issue. Say it, be truthful, forward, and selfless, then let it be the other persons responsibility from there. And always remember to ”finesse” the message with a healthy dose of unconditional acceptance, genuine affirmation and enduring friendship.
Finesse is something that you build up as your grow in closeness and trust with a person. The same is true of the right to criticize, give advice and/or apply that sometimes necessary good kick in the bum! If properly considered as relationships grow, just the correct ratio of hard-knock truths/tough-love to finesse will be available at any time of need!
